2nd shoot

2nd Shoot

I knew I needed to do another shoot and unfortunately I had no film with me so I played around with the dslr again. Before the shoot I had a panic attack as I had just filmed a video diary, I do not like the sound of my voice or what my face looks like when I talk (or ever for that matter) it's been something that I have had to deal with for the last few years as I have always said yes to helping out with shoots. When I have a panic attack I start to shake and my vision becomes blurry, I also tend to bite my hand or arm (I also do this when I get really angry) to steady myself. It is almost the same feeling as fainting as I have a tendency to do that too, mainly around blood.
Recently when I get really stressed out I forget lumps of time, when we were all in our group tutorial and were talking about our projects I was really worried about how mine would sound and because I stressed when it came for me to talk the words came out and before I knew it my turn was over. I still cannot remember those 5 minutes. I asked the doctor what this meant and she said that it is common for people with depression to black out moments that are hard to deal with. With this all said this was why I had a panic attack. 

This was also the same day that I started my medication and I started to document that as well. This shoot was in my room so the light was minimal and decided it would be best if I explored using flash. I quite liked the outcome and after a few tried to capture different angles of my face. I started to feel a little anxious about it and started to grab my mouth trying to calm myself down and decided to shoot it and see what it looked like. Throughout this I wanted to see how my face looked when it was under pressure as I myself have never looked in great detail at it. 

When it came down to picking my finals I was drawn to the images of my hands as they had more expression in them than the rest did. These are my finals. 

  

I have edited them multiple times as I am not sure what I prefer. I was thinking about making a book and having black and white one side and colour on the opposite but I have not looked into the idea yet. As much as I wanted to solely use medium format (I have 3 rolls to process) I do like these images as they are striking and quite emotional.